Anybody else ever feel the need to see, smell, be near, be in... big water?
A river, a lake, an ocean?
yeah, me too.
I'm sort of landlocked out here in the Midwest. Luckily there's quite a large river running through town. It's dirty. Like too dirty to eat anything out of it.
But it's there.
Rushing and powerful at its heart. Slow moving eddies at the periphery. Winding and swirling. Dark shadows and a bottomless belly. A belly that holds rusty refrigerators, a car or two, giant man-eating catfish, maybe a body or twenty.
It's not ideal water for me, but I do need to drive miles along its length at times. Surrounded by snow all winter has me feeling a feverish for something other than white and gray. I'm ready for Spring. I want to smell green things. At the grocery store, I push my cart through the flower section. I walk past my baby chives on the window sill at home and inhale deeply. I touch the leaves of the pea plant that Pickles tucked into the soil a month ago.
I need to go camping. I need to go hiking. I need. I need. I need.
Why is water so cleansing? I believe Heavenly Father made our need for water part of the great plan. We can immerse ourselves in this life-giving force and feel the weight, quite literally, removed from our shoulders. We begin our existence in water. We are born in a flood of fluid.
My sign is Cancer. Is that a sign? Ah, astrology, I'll save you for another post.
For now, I'm gonna go take a bath...
Showing posts with label finding peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label finding peace. Show all posts
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, September 04, 2009
Untitled: a near-novel
Sassafras ran away the other night. For a terrifying 20 min or so, we didn't know where our beautiful almost 10-year old little girl was. I was gone picking up the Hamster from preschool and James called and asked if she was with me. Um, no, what do you mean you don't know where she is?
James is legally blind and we have a big house and Sass likes to find a small space and read. That is why he didn't initially realize she was missing.
She was around the corner at a friend's house. She is not allowed to go anywhere without telling us. We have a nice house, on a decent street, but our neighborhood is pretty urban and there are streets nearby that have heavy traffic. There are also bad neighborhoods a few blocks over. An interesting thing about where we live - pockets of nice and scary back to back. Also, because we live in an urban area, there are quite a few sex offenders living around. The closest one is 5 blocks away. I had looked it up in the sex offender's database before we bought the house. I realize there are problems with this database, and all the implications that go with that could be an entire blog in and of itself, but it's still terrifying when your little girl is missing.
She left because she was mad at us. She had a decent day at school. She didn't seem upset when I went to walk them home from school. She had shared a funny story about a friend on the walk. What are you supposed to do with a kid who doesn't give you much warning?
Apparently, we don't let her do whatever she wants to do. Well of course we don't! We're good parents. Good parents don't let their child wander around quasi-inner city streets and ride their bikes all over town, which is what she wanted to do.
She wrote me a long letter (she's a writer) detailing some of our offenses. First of all, she hates her name. It's a beautiful name given to us in the temple for her. Second, she doesn't understand why we won't let her ride her bike around the block when her friends are allowed to. Well Sass, maybe their parents don't care if someone snatches them. Except that her argument was that they've never been snatched, so I shouldn't worry. Bizarrely she also included that her friends always had nice clothes that were clean. We stay on top of laundry and she just got about $200 worth of new clothes, so I'm not sure what that was about.
Because I am her mother and it's a mother's super power (usually) to know what is best for her own kids, I realized that she is just acting out her angst over moving and starting at a new school. Sass is actually quite resilient to change, but being the oldest child, the only girl, and having 2 parents who go to school double full-time can be overwhelming. She was crying for independence, but she really needed to spend more time with us. So I read Dr. Seuss books for an hour while she and the boys piled up on my bed and laughed. She needs me to take her to get our nails done. She needs to go shopping, and I don 't mean to the mall, I just mean grocery shopping. She needs Mommy time. I get it. I feel terrible that she thought she had to run away to get my attention. This did not go on consciously in her head. Sass genuinely thought she wanted new parents who would let her do what she wanted to do. But prayers can tell you amazing things about the path you should choose, especially when it comes to parenting.
She is grounded for the entire month. Which is really too bad for her, since this is her birthday month. We actually do birthday parties every year for every kid. I like parties and I think you should celebrate people on their birthdays. If you don't agree with me on that, I don't really care, so don't bother leaving a comment on that subject.
This isn't over. I realize that reading kids' books for an hour with my daughter will not heal whatever is bothering her. I also realize that this is part of the way some kids grow up. I threatened to run away at about the same age. I packed a bag of stuff and rode my bicycle up and down our street for close to an hour while my mother watched from the window. Then I came home and cried while she hugged me.
I love Sassafras so much it leaves me breathless sometimes. I know she came to our family for a reason. I hope I can be the mother Heavenly Father needs me to be for her and the boys.
Sassafras ran away the other night. For a terrifying 20 min or so, we didn't know where our beautiful almost 10-year old little girl was. I was gone picking up the Hamster from preschool and James called and asked if she was with me. Um, no, what do you mean you don't know where she is?
James is legally blind and we have a big house and Sass likes to find a small space and read. That is why he didn't initially realize she was missing.
She was around the corner at a friend's house. She is not allowed to go anywhere without telling us. We have a nice house, on a decent street, but our neighborhood is pretty urban and there are streets nearby that have heavy traffic. There are also bad neighborhoods a few blocks over. An interesting thing about where we live - pockets of nice and scary back to back. Also, because we live in an urban area, there are quite a few sex offenders living around. The closest one is 5 blocks away. I had looked it up in the sex offender's database before we bought the house. I realize there are problems with this database, and all the implications that go with that could be an entire blog in and of itself, but it's still terrifying when your little girl is missing.
She left because she was mad at us. She had a decent day at school. She didn't seem upset when I went to walk them home from school. She had shared a funny story about a friend on the walk. What are you supposed to do with a kid who doesn't give you much warning?
Apparently, we don't let her do whatever she wants to do. Well of course we don't! We're good parents. Good parents don't let their child wander around quasi-inner city streets and ride their bikes all over town, which is what she wanted to do.
She wrote me a long letter (she's a writer) detailing some of our offenses. First of all, she hates her name. It's a beautiful name given to us in the temple for her. Second, she doesn't understand why we won't let her ride her bike around the block when her friends are allowed to. Well Sass, maybe their parents don't care if someone snatches them. Except that her argument was that they've never been snatched, so I shouldn't worry. Bizarrely she also included that her friends always had nice clothes that were clean. We stay on top of laundry and she just got about $200 worth of new clothes, so I'm not sure what that was about.
Because I am her mother and it's a mother's super power (usually) to know what is best for her own kids, I realized that she is just acting out her angst over moving and starting at a new school. Sass is actually quite resilient to change, but being the oldest child, the only girl, and having 2 parents who go to school double full-time can be overwhelming. She was crying for independence, but she really needed to spend more time with us. So I read Dr. Seuss books for an hour while she and the boys piled up on my bed and laughed. She needs me to take her to get our nails done. She needs to go shopping, and I don 't mean to the mall, I just mean grocery shopping. She needs Mommy time. I get it. I feel terrible that she thought she had to run away to get my attention. This did not go on consciously in her head. Sass genuinely thought she wanted new parents who would let her do what she wanted to do. But prayers can tell you amazing things about the path you should choose, especially when it comes to parenting.
She is grounded for the entire month. Which is really too bad for her, since this is her birthday month. We actually do birthday parties every year for every kid. I like parties and I think you should celebrate people on their birthdays. If you don't agree with me on that, I don't really care, so don't bother leaving a comment on that subject.
This isn't over. I realize that reading kids' books for an hour with my daughter will not heal whatever is bothering her. I also realize that this is part of the way some kids grow up. I threatened to run away at about the same age. I packed a bag of stuff and rode my bicycle up and down our street for close to an hour while my mother watched from the window. Then I came home and cried while she hugged me.
I love Sassafras so much it leaves me breathless sometimes. I know she came to our family for a reason. I hope I can be the mother Heavenly Father needs me to be for her and the boys.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
a little spice makes e'er thang nice
*I wrote a depressing blog post. I'm not dying (or pregnant) lovely reader, just stressed. But thank you for your concern, all the same.
*My mom texted me and told me she was going to be on some show on MTV. My mom is ** years old, people! on MTV?!? story developing...
*I suffered a migraine *shudders*. Nothing like having your head turned inside out swiftly and violently to make you immediately re-prioritize your day.
*I saw a rainbow. I spent an hour, gloriously alone, in a book store as a tempest raged outside. The heavens calmed themselves, I paid for my books (I bought 6 just for me!), and walked outside to see God's promise up above.
*The checkout lady at Walmart didn't say a word to me until she told me the total. I had almost $300 worth of groceries. That's a long time for a southern gal to wait for some dang customer service or a smile. If I had been in GA, I would have heard her life story starting from where her parents were born, all about her daughter's medical conditions (including the pictures), her brother who just got out of jail but still can't go within 10 miles of that trailer park anymore, and her new puppy who chewed up all her underwear and then got sick on her bed. Hmmm, come to think of it, carry on, Midwestern checker-outer. I wasn't in the mood anyway.
*the Hamster has only fallen off the potty-train once this week.
*Pickles asked if he could take the snake to school for Pet Day instead of the rabbit, because he was worried the rabbit would bite people.
*My suburban now only smells vaguely like the half-gallon of milk that spilled in the back a few weeks ago.
*James would like me to also add that he has done all the laundry and dishes for the last week as well. When I can come home after 12-hr school days to an empty sink and clean clothes, I can definitely add that to the post, Honey. Oh, also, I get foot rubs.
*and you stopped by to say hi. That's the best part :)
What has happened that has made your week nicer?
*I wrote a depressing blog post. I'm not dying (or pregnant) lovely reader, just stressed. But thank you for your concern, all the same.
*My mom texted me and told me she was going to be on some show on MTV. My mom is ** years old, people! on MTV?!? story developing...
*I suffered a migraine *shudders*. Nothing like having your head turned inside out swiftly and violently to make you immediately re-prioritize your day.
*I saw a rainbow. I spent an hour, gloriously alone, in a book store as a tempest raged outside. The heavens calmed themselves, I paid for my books (I bought 6 just for me!), and walked outside to see God's promise up above.
*The checkout lady at Walmart didn't say a word to me until she told me the total. I had almost $300 worth of groceries. That's a long time for a southern gal to wait for some dang customer service or a smile. If I had been in GA, I would have heard her life story starting from where her parents were born, all about her daughter's medical conditions (including the pictures), her brother who just got out of jail but still can't go within 10 miles of that trailer park anymore, and her new puppy who chewed up all her underwear and then got sick on her bed. Hmmm, come to think of it, carry on, Midwestern checker-outer. I wasn't in the mood anyway.
*the Hamster has only fallen off the potty-train once this week.
*Pickles asked if he could take the snake to school for Pet Day instead of the rabbit, because he was worried the rabbit would bite people.
*My suburban now only smells vaguely like the half-gallon of milk that spilled in the back a few weeks ago.
*James would like me to also add that he has done all the laundry and dishes for the last week as well. When I can come home after 12-hr school days to an empty sink and clean clothes, I can definitely add that to the post, Honey. Oh, also, I get foot rubs.
*and you stopped by to say hi. That's the best part :)
What has happened that has made your week nicer?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Warning: A highly gritty post
This is an article about a movement. A movement where black families decide to only buy products from black-owned businesses. It's slanted as a feel-good human interest story.
It actually really pisses me off.
Lemme 'splain.
What if I decided to only buy from white people? What if I called ahead to see who picked up the phone? What if I walked into a store, and asked to who the owner was, and then decided to only shop there if the owner's name "sounded white"?
What kind of reception do you think I would get? A nice news article discussing how I'm supporting other white people?
So it's a wonderful thing for a black family to only shop at black-owned businesses to show pride in their race, huh?
Bullshit.
It's another way to divide the nation.
If you want to build this country,
If you want to support your neighbors,
If you want to put money into the economy so we can stop this recession,
Then spend money in stores based on:
The principles they espouse,
How they present their business' mission statement,
and how they offer customer service.
That beingvented said, I also think everyone should have the right to shop wherever they damn well please.
So now I'm off to buy Scout supplies from a white lady, get my dress hemmed by an Asian lady, and get a new phone from a black guy...
This is an article about a movement. A movement where black families decide to only buy products from black-owned businesses. It's slanted as a feel-good human interest story.
It actually really pisses me off.
Lemme 'splain.
What if I decided to only buy from white people? What if I called ahead to see who picked up the phone? What if I walked into a store, and asked to who the owner was, and then decided to only shop there if the owner's name "sounded white"?
What kind of reception do you think I would get? A nice news article discussing how I'm supporting other white people?
So it's a wonderful thing for a black family to only shop at black-owned businesses to show pride in their race, huh?
Bullshit.
It's another way to divide the nation.
If you want to build this country,
If you want to support your neighbors,
If you want to put money into the economy so we can stop this recession,
Then spend money in stores based on:
The principles they espouse,
How they present their business' mission statement,
and how they offer customer service.
That being
So now I'm off to buy Scout supplies from a white lady, get my dress hemmed by an Asian lady, and get a new phone from a black guy...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
An apology
Dear Awesome blogger,
You wrote a great post a couple of weeks ago. I left a comment on your post. The comment was heartfelt and sincere. It must also have been offensive in some way. I don't know why you deleted it, but I want to apologize if that's the way it came across.
I know they're not excuses, but the reasons I trip over myself with my comments and sometimes my own posts are 1. I'm new to blogging, and 2. My brain doesn't filter things very well, and 3. Sometimes I have an odd way of thinking about things.
I know you probably don't read my blog, but I've felt sort of guilty about it and wanted to get it off my chest. So again, I apologize.
Sincerely,
me
P.S.
If any of the other readers feel like being nosy, don't bother. It's not anyone who comments of my blog and it's not anyone in the links on my side bar.
Dear Awesome blogger,
You wrote a great post a couple of weeks ago. I left a comment on your post. The comment was heartfelt and sincere. It must also have been offensive in some way. I don't know why you deleted it, but I want to apologize if that's the way it came across.
I know they're not excuses, but the reasons I trip over myself with my comments and sometimes my own posts are 1. I'm new to blogging, and 2. My brain doesn't filter things very well, and 3. Sometimes I have an odd way of thinking about things.
I know you probably don't read my blog, but I've felt sort of guilty about it and wanted to get it off my chest. So again, I apologize.
Sincerely,
me
P.S.
If any of the other readers feel like being nosy, don't bother. It's not anyone who comments of my blog and it's not anyone in the links on my side bar.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I pledge allegience to the flag of the United States of America
And to the Republic, for which it stands
One nation, under God
Through liberty and justice for all
Amen
I think are some positive aspects of the results of the election. I think there are far too many negative blogs/news stories out there, and even a few of my posts have been kind of down. So here are a few of my thoughts on this historic occasion.
1. Black Americans can now feel like their vote matters. I think a lot of white Americans underestimate the amount of negative vibes, for lack of a better brain...er, word, that black folks feel sometimes. Lemme 'splain. Lots of white folks say, yeah, history sucked, but move forward and stop whining. Most white folks do NOT think the white "race" is superior to the black "race." That is my experience anyway, and unless you are new to my blog, you know I grew up in the South. There was a lot of prejudice from both sides down there, but not as much actual racism. I'm not gonna deny that there is racism in the South, from both sides, but it's more about assuming generalizations. K, so hopefully having a black pres will help everyone feel more connected as Americans and stop looking at things through race colored glasses. And as a bonus, maybe Jesse Jackson would be out of a job. I may be totally off on my presumptions about how black folks see it, but I think I may be on to something.
2. Next point. We will most likely NOT have a terrorist attack on our soil in the next 4 years. That is actually quite comforting to me, since I have lurved ones living in some big cities. And I don't want any Americans dying. I still get teary-eyed when I think about the Twin Towers coming down. I think with Obama being pres, other countries around the world will be more willng to hate us less. I have many other thoughts on this too, but this is a positive blog, remember?
3. I'm REALLY looking forward to exploration in alternative fueling options. I think our dependence on foreign oil is assinine. We are intelligent enough to come up with something else and now is the time. We have, relatively, endless amounts of free resources in wind and sun. Why the crap aren't we putting more research into that rather than subsidizing farmers to grow soil sapping, expensive, polluting corn ethanol. Obviously paying farmers to grow corn does not gaurantee votes, huh W?
I've got to run Sassafras to church, but I wanted to get some thoughts down. I've been kind of depressed today thinking about the issues that I'm not in favor of, i.e. national healthcare and I needed to do something to perk myself up. So this is what I came up with. Hope you likey.
And to the Republic, for which it stands
One nation, under God
Through liberty and justice for all
Amen
I think are some positive aspects of the results of the election. I think there are far too many negative blogs/news stories out there, and even a few of my posts have been kind of down. So here are a few of my thoughts on this historic occasion.
1. Black Americans can now feel like their vote matters. I think a lot of white Americans underestimate the amount of negative vibes, for lack of a better brain...er, word, that black folks feel sometimes. Lemme 'splain. Lots of white folks say, yeah, history sucked, but move forward and stop whining. Most white folks do NOT think the white "race" is superior to the black "race." That is my experience anyway, and unless you are new to my blog, you know I grew up in the South. There was a lot of prejudice from both sides down there, but not as much actual racism. I'm not gonna deny that there is racism in the South, from both sides, but it's more about assuming generalizations. K, so hopefully having a black pres will help everyone feel more connected as Americans and stop looking at things through race colored glasses. And as a bonus, maybe Jesse Jackson would be out of a job. I may be totally off on my presumptions about how black folks see it, but I think I may be on to something.
2. Next point. We will most likely NOT have a terrorist attack on our soil in the next 4 years. That is actually quite comforting to me, since I have lurved ones living in some big cities. And I don't want any Americans dying. I still get teary-eyed when I think about the Twin Towers coming down. I think with Obama being pres, other countries around the world will be more willng to hate us less. I have many other thoughts on this too, but this is a positive blog, remember?
3. I'm REALLY looking forward to exploration in alternative fueling options. I think our dependence on foreign oil is assinine. We are intelligent enough to come up with something else and now is the time. We have, relatively, endless amounts of free resources in wind and sun. Why the crap aren't we putting more research into that rather than subsidizing farmers to grow soil sapping, expensive, polluting corn ethanol. Obviously paying farmers to grow corn does not gaurantee votes, huh W?
I've got to run Sassafras to church, but I wanted to get some thoughts down. I've been kind of depressed today thinking about the issues that I'm not in favor of, i.e. national healthcare and I needed to do something to perk myself up. So this is what I came up with. Hope you likey.
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