Untitled: a near-novel

Sassafras ran away the other night. For a terrifying 20 min or so, we didn't know where our beautiful almost 10-year old little girl was. I was gone picking up the Hamster from preschool and James called and asked if she was with me. Um, no, what do you mean you don't know where she is?

James is legally blind and we have a big house and Sass likes to find a small space and read. That is why he didn't initially realize she was missing.

She was around the corner at a friend's house. She is not allowed to go anywhere without telling us. We have a nice house, on a decent street, but our neighborhood is pretty urban and there are streets nearby that have heavy traffic. There are also bad neighborhoods a few blocks over. An interesting thing about where we live - pockets of nice and scary back to back. Also, because we live in an urban area, there are quite a few sex offenders living around. The closest one is 5 blocks away. I had looked it up in the sex offender's database before we bought the house. I realize there are problems with this database, and all the implications that go with that could be an entire blog in and of itself, but it's still terrifying when your little girl is missing.

She left because she was mad at us. She had a decent day at school. She didn't seem upset when I went to walk them home from school. She had shared a funny story about a friend on the walk. What are you supposed to do with a kid who doesn't give you much warning?

Apparently, we don't let her do whatever she wants to do. Well of course we don't! We're good parents. Good parents don't let their child wander around quasi-inner city streets and ride their bikes all over town, which is what she wanted to do.

She wrote me a long letter (she's a writer) detailing some of our offenses. First of all, she hates her name. It's a beautiful name given to us in the temple for her. Second, she doesn't understand why we won't let her ride her bike around the block when her friends are allowed to. Well Sass, maybe their parents don't care if someone snatches them. Except that her argument was that they've never been snatched, so I shouldn't worry. Bizarrely she also included that her friends always had nice clothes that were clean. We stay on top of laundry and she just got about $200 worth of new clothes, so I'm not sure what that was about.

Because I am her mother and it's a mother's super power (usually) to know what is best for her own kids, I realized that she is just acting out her angst over moving and starting at a new school. Sass is actually quite resilient to change, but being the oldest child, the only girl, and having 2 parents who go to school double full-time can be overwhelming. She was crying for independence, but she really needed to spend more time with us. So I read Dr. Seuss books for an hour while she and the boys piled up on my bed and laughed. She needs me to take her to get our nails done. She needs to go shopping, and I don 't mean to the mall, I just mean grocery shopping. She needs Mommy time. I get it. I feel terrible that she thought she had to run away to get my attention. This did not go on consciously in her head. Sass genuinely thought she wanted new parents who would let her do what she wanted to do. But prayers can tell you amazing things about the path you should choose, especially when it comes to parenting.

She is grounded for the entire month. Which is really too bad for her, since this is her birthday month. We actually do birthday parties every year for every kid. I like parties and I think you should celebrate people on their birthdays. If you don't agree with me on that, I don't really care, so don't bother leaving a comment on that subject.

This isn't over. I realize that reading kids' books for an hour with my daughter will not heal whatever is bothering her. I also realize that this is part of the way some kids grow up. I threatened to run away at about the same age. I packed a bag of stuff and rode my bicycle up and down our street for close to an hour while my mother watched from the window. Then I came home and cried while she hugged me.

I love Sassafras so much it leaves me breathless sometimes. I know she came to our family for a reason. I hope I can be the mother Heavenly Father needs me to be for her and the boys.