Warning to my mom - don't read this at work

I was watching the Nutcracker at the Fox in ATL one year ago today. I was having a fabulous time with my daughter, my sisters, and my mom. We had seats front and center. The Russian stacking dolls were amazing, and the little girls playing the dolls were adorable. The rats did a funkadelic dance and had a bigger part than in previous years. I love how they change the choreography each year while remaining true to the story. Did you know that the Nutcracker has been performed every Christmas season for over 100 years?

It was a night memories are made and it was magical. At intermission, my mom got a phone call from my aunt. My grandfather, who had been doing poorly for several months, had passed away. The rest of the performance was difficult to sit through. He was in Florida and there was nothing we could do but sit and finish. I don't remember much. I was busy holding my sister's hand and trying not to cry at one of the best venues in Atlanta watching a classic ballet.

My grandfather, Harold, a.k.a. the Silverback, Hank, GrandDad, or Geraldo, lived an incredible life. I won't try to cover the whole of it here, but suffice it to say, he definitely made his mark on the world. He was involved in the beginning of the Arby's corporation, he founded a festival in one town he lived in, he raised 5 kids, was a mentor to 10 grandchildren, and 12 great-grandchildren. GrandDad had 2 loves: my grandmother and my GrandNorma. He had an exquisite sense of humor. With superb timing, a photographic memory, and a wit that I dare say was unmatched, he could turn a phrase in an instant and leave us rolling on the floor.

GrandDad, we love you and miss you terribly. And I would give anything to be able to get you the daily paper, and to make you a cup of some of that world-famous ice tea.

Things I miss about my kids while I'm away:

Sassafras
1. How helpful/loyal/kind/generous she is.
2. The rich dark color of her hair and eyes. How pretty Sass is takes my breath away.
3. Her laugh when something is unexpectedly funny.
4. Her ideas about life.
5. Discussing books with her.

Pickles
1. His curious curious questions.
2. His round cheeks.
3. His hug-a-minute ness
4. How even when he smells like 3-day old overcooked bellybutton, I know where his still smelling good spots are.
5. How sweet he is with the Hamster

Bud
1. His freckles. Oh! His freckles!
2. You know how some kids are snuggle-bears or snuggle-bunnies? Bud is a snuggle-porcupine. The kid is all elbows and knees. And I miss that.
3. He understands and uses puns. He's 5!
4. His quest for justice for all, even though it's usually slanted a little his way. (he is 5 after all)
5. How much he loves me. I've never gotten so many I-love-you notes from anyone.

the Hamster
1. His blue eyes. I could lose an hour or so in them, if he'd let me.
2. The baby that's still in his chubby elbows, thighs, nibblelicious neck, shallow dimples, and raspberry-worthy belly.
3. How much he loves fruit. The kid could put away half a watermelon alone... and he has!
4. Watching him morph from a baby to a big boy. It's painful, beautiful, and amazing.
5. His devotion to Sassafras, his mini-mom.

and so many other things...

Conversations with Pickles

Pickles: I think I'd like a Marine Iguana for a pet. (As I mentioned in previous posts, the subject of what-I-want-for-a-pet is a popular discussion around here)
Bud: I want a ta-NAN-tula.
Pickles: It's ta-RAN-tula, Bud, geesh!
me: Bud, when you're 8. Pickles, Marine Iguanas need the sea. That's why they're marine iguanas.
Pickles: I guess a regular iguana is OK.
me: we'll talk later.

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Pickles: Can a killer whale eat Dad?
me: I suppose, if Dad were in the water and the killer whale was hungry.
Pickles: Well, I hope that doesn't happen.
me: Yeah, me too.

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Pickles: When we go back to GA, can we live next door to GrandMomma?
me: No.
Pickles: Oh, well, can we live down the street from her?

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Pickles: There's this kid, um... There's this kid at school, um... This kid at school... He, um... He said, um... This kid at school said, um... Hey Mom?
me: What?
Pickles: What was I saying?
me: That you love me
Pickles: Oh yeah!

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Pickles: Mom, today at recess Mrs. Smith was giving everyone balls. When I asked for one, she said NO! I went off by myself and cried a little.
me (trying not to call this lady an ass for making my sweet Pickles cry): Oh no! I'm sorry honey.
Pickles: And then she came and said, Thanks for telling me that Ricky was biting people. Mom, that doesn't even make sense! I didn't say that. She ruined recess.
me: Well, maybe she's dumb. Grownups can be dumb too. (possibly not the best response, but much tamer than what I was thinking) Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she had a giant bug bite on her behind and it was itching and making her crazy. Having an itchy butt can make you pretty crazy.
Pickles: Really?
me: Definitely. Whenever some teacher is being crazy for no reason, just assume she has an itchy butt.
Pickles: Ok, thanks.
me: Anytime buddy, anytime.

I'm feeling sad today.

My grandfather, who taught me (sometimes through my mother) to do things like mix up words to be silly. Or to make up stories. Or to make virtually everything funny. To be a member of the look-em-up club. All you had to do to be in the club was to always be curious and look things up if you didn't know them. Granddad, who calls himself the silverback (as in gorilla) of our family. Who started learning Spanish in his 70's. Who researched our genealogy back to the early 1600's. My granddad is sick.

My granddad is in the hospital and probably won't leave it. He's suffering from numerous ailments as he starts his 85th year. We're sort of preparing for the end of his life. And I'm feeling kind of raw about it. I don't like funerals. I especially don't like viewings, but the funerals are bad too. But I'll go, because I think my mom and my sisters will need me there.

We need each other in times of grief. We need to be sad with other people who understand how much we love each other. All of the nice things that people say and do are needed too, but only family and close friends know you well enough to not say anything at all. So from more than 800 miles away, I'm trying to be supportive of my family and deal with everything here as well as preparing myself emotionally.

But he's still here for now, and who knows what may be. Just say a little prayer for my family and especially my step-grandmother, my mom, my aunt, and my uncle.