Just a quick story. That's all I got time for...

James and I were trading riddles with the kids while running errands. James ran in someplace. I was kind of done with coming up with clever puns for the kids to figure out. So this was my riddle.

me: OK, it's a hamster. It lives in a cage, runs on a wheel, and is little and fluffy. What is it?
Bud: A guinea pig?

And a good time was had by all.

So James gets back into the truck. We're still laughing. I repeat the riddle to him.

James: A guinea pig!


At least Bud comes by it honestly...

I'm feeling better. It helps that my children are quirky. Meet the Hamster, if you haven't already. He's 4.



the Hamster, very close to my face while I'm zipping his coat: Mom! I eated aNOTHER cookie.
me: How many were you told you could have?
the Hamster: one, but I really couldn't helped it

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the Hamster: I'm feeling feev-il.
me, wondering if it was a combo of evil and say, furry?: What are you saying?
the Hamster: feevil, you know tired. And a lil' sick
me: You feel feeble? You realize you're only 4, right?
the Hamster: Yeah, I'm feevil of only being 4.

**********************************
the Hamster also says nesterday instead of yesterday. Since he's my last baby, I have an internal struggle over whether to correct it, or to let it ride and enjoy the sweetness. I could use the sweetness...

Kids

Sassafras playing Guitar Hero (w/ a bad drawl, seriously, this kid can NOT do a Southern accent to save her life. Yes, she was born in GA and spent her 1st 6 yrs. there): "Heck yay-yeah! Ahm playin' Ted Nugget!"
She meant Ted Nugent


Bud (age 6), encouraging the Hamster (age 4): "C'mon buddy, I'm right here with you. I'm right beside you. I'll take care of any monsters that try to hurt you."
This is actually quite out of character for Bud. Usually he's the monster.

Pickles: "What is grog, exactly? And why would Santa bring me grog flavored mints?"

the Hamster, NOT playing Guitar Hero: "I rock Sass. I always rock when I don't play. And I'm a way-wolf."
random? yes.

Random...

the Hamster uses the excuse that his bum hurts whenever he doesn't want to do something.

Go clean your room Hamster. "I can't, my bottom hurts."
Go play outside Hamster. "My buns are tired, I don't want to."
Come eat Hamster. "I had a cookie. I don't like what we're having. That looks yucky. And my butt hurts."

You get the idea.

I'm not sure where this came from, and I'm sure a psychologist could write a killer piece for a journal about it, but there it is. I don't think it would work for me though.

I can't pay the electric bill because I have sore buns.

Yep, it's much cuter coming from a 4 year-old.

I hope y'all have been well. It's been a lottle crazy round here.We went to GA for Thanksgiving and came back. We got to see pretty much everyone and a good time was had by all. I got to do a little bit of art with Eve. We climbed Stone Mountain (a first for the boys) and went to Waffle House. You know, to complete the GA experience.

I also went crazy. I don't think I'm back from that yet.

But I knew you missed my blogging and I thought I would share a few things that made my week more interesting.

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Conversations with Pickles

Jax (a buddy): Pickles has a secret. He said he's looking at naked ladies on the computer.
me: WHAT???? PICKLES! GET DOWN HERE NOW!!!
(imagine the sound of an alephant on roller skates coming down the stairs)
me: Pickles, why did Jax say you were looking at naked ladies on the computer?
Pickles: Oh, I just told him that so he'd go away. We were really looking at giant millipedes.
me: next time Honey try to be a little less creative and shocking when trying to get someone to go away, ok?

*note: Pickles is an incredibly honest kid. He does not look at naked women online. Apparently, however, we need to work on other issues.

*********************************
Pickles: I can't go to sleep
me: why not?
Pickles: Because my radio won't work and I always go to sleep listening to my stories.
me: Tell a story to yourself. Out loud.
Pickles: I said everyone else is asleep and they won't think my stories are interesting anyway.
me: I said say them to YOURSELF
Pickles: Well, I don't find them that interesting either.

*********************************
We have a snake. She's a ball python named Medusa. She's a good snake and the kids think she's interesting. Medusa eats mice. It's the circle of life, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, mice really aren't that cute, Mickey excluded of course. It was time for Medusa to eat again 4 days ago so I bought a mouse. I put the mouse in the cage with the snake. The mouse did not get eaten. The mouse did however, get named Pancake. So Pancake and Medusa are roommates. At least until Medusa is done shedding and decides that she actually is hungry. I'll keep you updated.

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Everything here is white. Our house is 109 yrs old, as are many of the surrounding houses. Most of them are painted very pale colors. Pale houses and their yards are covered in snow here. The clouds are heavy and full of snowman seeds. Everything is bright and fairly monochromatic. And it reflects all light. Last night, at midnight, it looked like it was dusk.

I forget about that here. 27 years of being raised in GA is still ingrained in me. Winter should be 60-70 degrees. Scarves should be bought based on their cuteness, not their heat conserving abilities. The sky should bright blue and the trees should stay green. Pansies should bloom.

Not in the Midwest. But I'm OK with that this winter. I'm not sure why; maybe I'm beginning to bloom (like a pansy - insert your own joke here) where I'm planted. Maybe it's wearing me down. Let's go with the blooming, shall we?

Recent conversations with the kiddos

the Hamster (while he rubs his little hand on my arm): Mom, do you hab any money?
me (putting down my book and looking at him): Why do YOU need money?
the Hamster: For a cookie. If you hab some money, then you can buy me a cookie.
me: get a job, buddy

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Pickles: What's up with the dogs? Lately, Moki has been acting like Rowlf and Rowlf has been acting like Moki.
me: Well, while you were at school, they ran at each other really hard and smashed heads. When they got up, they had switched personalities.
Pickles: MOOOOOMMMM!

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Bud: I kicked and punched and pushed Jackson (his friend) and then he hit me for NO REASON!

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Sassafras: If there's something softer than the Hamster's belly, I'd like to know what it is

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the Hamster: Mom, I'm hun-gwee
me: What do you want?
the Hamster: I want a meat on meat san-wuch
me: James, the Hamster's hungry. This one's all yours :)
James: Here's your meat on meat. (he gave him 3 pcs of meat which the H promptly put together like a sandwich)
the Hamster: I want ketchup on my meat on meat
James: no, we only eat plain meat on meat in this house you little weirdo.

When Jesus went to minister to the Irish

We went to Pickles' good friend, Chan's baptism yesterday. It was beautiful. There were sweet talks by the Grandma and the boys' previous Primary teacher. The littlest brother and I said a prayer. After the baptism, as Chan and his dad were changing clothes and drying off, we watched a video about Jesus. In the video you see Jesus acting out scenes from the New Testament. He gathers his flock, he blesses children, he heals people wearing rags. At one point, Pickles leans over and asks, "Are those the leprechauns he's helping?"

No baby, no. They're lepers.

Have you ever had to explain the difference between leprechauns and lepers?

Conversations with kids...

Bud: I'm a storm!
me: A tornado?
Bud: edible play-dough?
me: no, a tornado!
Bud: um, no, just a storm.
************


me: Sass! get your dirty socks off my counter!
the Hamster: Ewwwwwwww!!!! I hate counters!
************


Pickles: Oh Dagnabbit! Blast it all!
************

Pickles: Mom, BunBun (his rabbit) really likes it when I make him pretend like he's talking. He says things like 'More celery please, and less onions. Thanks' BunBun is very polite.
me: I appreciate politeness in a pet.
************

the Hamster: If I go poo-poo potty, I can hab a twain?
me: like Thomas?
the Hamster: no, a WEAL twain.
me: use the potty and we'll talk...
************

all of them, constantly, anytime we drive anywhere, even if I've already told them a million times: Where are we going?
me: Crazy, and you're driving
************

the Hamster: What do shawks eat, Mom? he's a boy, let the shark fascination begin...
me: other fish
the Hamster: Dat's nat-ty! if I was a shawk, I would eat CAKE!
*************

Sass: I am SO glad I'm not a boy...
*************

Bud (who's birthday is late this month): I'm gonna have two birthdays this year Mom. That way, I can be 7 instead of turning 6 after everyone else. It's hard to start first grade when I'm only 5.
me: Wow, Bud. That was an incredibly wise thing to say.
Bud: Ok, but I don't know what wise means.
*************

Pickles: Why do you have to go to school all the time? You already know so much stuff!

I've told you before (if you don't remember, or I didn't really tell you before, then just go along with it) that I'm a teacher at church for the 4-yr olds turning 5. It's called CTR 5. CTR = Choose the Right. Anyhoo, each Sunday, we ask the children how their week was. Did they do anything special? Did they go anywhere fun? James, who team-teaches with me, always asks what they had for breakfast...

So the last few Sundays have been particularly entertaining.

me: How was your week E?

E: It was good. (interrupting herself) I'M A ROCKSTAAAAAARRRRRR!!!! So anywaaaaaaaay, my sistooh and me took a shower and we peed on each other. Oh, we also went to Chuck-E-Cheese last week, but I already told you about that.

James inexplicably had a coughing fit at this point.

me: You know, E, that's probably not a good idea. I don't think your mom would like that if she knew.

E: Oh, she doesn't know. Also, when are you gonna get a new boy? Bud is totally annoying. Are you pregnant now?

me: Uh, no. OK, who's next?


Chach: ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!

me: Ok, Chach, what did you do this week?

Chach: We went to Chuck-E-Cheese too!

me: You did? That's awesome! What for?

Chach: Dad said that if M went potty training, then we could go. She did, so we went. I got 20 tokens!

E: You did not.

Chach: I did too! You weren't there.

me: She went, E. Girls, that's enough. Who's next? Y? You want to go next?


Y: no.

me: Not anything?

Y: no.


me: J? How bout you, buddy?

J: I have a baby now.

me: You do? What's his name? (J's new little brother is several months old now, but he's still excited about it.)

J: E-why. And then he said something that sounded like a story about monkeys invading his house.


me: Really! That's great. J'dan? How bout you honey?

J'dan: We had some friends come over. And they made a mess. And my mom said they're not very good-picker-uppers but that every family has different rules and that we like them anyway.

I'm sharing these with you so that as a parent, you can be aware that your kid is soaking up and sharing all kinds of interesting tidbits with their teachers, and probably any other adult who will take half a minute and listen. And then that adult will blog about it.

Just so you know!

P.S. E and her sister do not really pee on each other. I shared E's story with her mom and they had a LONG talk!

Did I scare you away pretties?

You should be thankful I only post a few of my conspiracy theories on this here blog.

You can come back and read now. I promise this post is full of delightfully witty things my kids said.

Ready?

Sassafras held up a waffle in front of the Hamster's face and said, "THIS is a spider waffle, see its many many eyes?"
(she had bitten tiny holes all through it)

Sass, again. "I'm going to steamroller you, Pickles!"
Pickles: The only steam I see is coming from your posterior region. P-U!
(Have I mentioned Pickles is still 7? Did I mention our plethora of anatomy books we have laying around the house?)

the Hamster: Mom? An I hab dog-foo ice weam?
me: Dog-food ice cream?
the Hamster: yeah!
me: Sorry Dude, we're all out.

Bud: Mom, I'm having a really hard time scratching my ear with my foot.

me (exasperated): the Hamster, PLEASE use the potty! You are a big boy and you need to use the potty like Bud and Pickles, or I will make you use the bathroom outside, and sleep in the dogs' crates at night, eat dogfood. Is that what you want?
the Hamster: YES!

Does it sound as though our dogs are actually raising our kids instead of James and me? Will you see a story on our poor neglected Mowgli children on the evening news? Only if you turn me in!

Sass: When I grow up, I will let my kids wear whatever they want!
me: Whatever! I'm going to live with you and still pick your clothes out for you when you're 35.
Sass: How will I ever get away from you?

Pickles: Bud hit me again! On PURPOSE!
me: Why?
Pickles: Because I kicked him.

So there you go, no aliens, zombies, or gov't plots today! Tune in next week for another exciting adventure!

A little bloggy sampler, with a side of southwest ranch sauce

Weird News Wednesday
Do you like pigeons? Yeah, me neither, but these pictures are pretty cool.

Conversations with kids
Bud, (pretending to be a dad) "You are bad! Go to your room!"
Sassafras "You better be careful, or I'm calling Child Amusement!"

(We can work on the psychology of that conversation later...)

Politics
What the crap is going on with the big O saying it's perfectly OK for Iran to have nukes? You don't give mental patients big sharp knives to play with and hope nothing bad will happen.

Daily Life Updates
*We should close on the house by the end of the month. We are also very poor, and will qualify for some forgivable loan type programs to add to the down payment.
*My chemistry class starts Monday. Coincidentally, finals for the other school I'm attending also start Monday. Can we say stress, boys and girls?
*The B&B James whisked me away to was wonderful. If you live around here, and you need a relaxing place to go visit, ask me where it was.
*The kids get out of school Friday. Did I mention I won't be? These next two weeks should be, uh, interesting.

So I probably won't be posting too too much for a little while.

But I still love you.

Conversations, and I use the word extremely loosely, heard in the truck today within a 20-minute span.

Sassafras: You know, when you put energy and pickles together, it really stinks!
(for the record, she was not talking about her brother Pickles, although that would probably stink too)
me: wow, what does it smell like?
Sass: (said like REALLY I should already know what it smells like) like rotten pickles!

Pickles: This watermelon is really a secret super hero with light sabers.

Bud: Attention! Attention! add about 15 more attentions to get the full effect...
me: WHAT?
Bud: I just wanted some attention.

Pickles: I love to act, but dancing on stage would make me feel very anxious.

Sassafras: If I could pick this family over, I don't think I'd want so many boys in it.

All the while, Hamster is da-na-na-ing the theme to Star Wars at the top of his voice.



as I sat typing this, Hamster wandered in with dog slobber on his head.
gotta go...

I'm still sick. I went to the doctor and she told me the best thing for me is a camera.

I skipped school today. I got up to take the kids to their schools and came back to bed. I slept until 1PM. It was great. But not enough to cure me. I'll probably try to sleep more tomorrow.

Since trying to come up with a good post is as easy for me right now as trying to run through jello would be, I'll just share a few kidling conversations we've had lately.

me: Stop trying to ride the dog!
Hamster: Buh, he WIKES it!

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Bud: There's that graveyard you take us to sometimes, Mom.
me: Sure is.
Bud: I like going there for picnics, to take walks, to color on the tombstones...
(for the record, we do rubbings, we do NOT color the headstones)
me: Yeah, it's nice.
Bud: When can we go there again?
me: When it's warm out again.
Bud: When can we dig up one of the graves?
me: (fully becoming aware of the convo rather than half-listening) WHAT!?!?!?
Bud: I want to dig up a grave.
me: What? WHY?
Bud: You know, to see a body.
me: Yeah, you know Bud, we're not going to do that. When we go, it's important to be respectful of the people who died. We don't dig up bodies, Dude.
Bud: (quietly) awwww, man

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Pickles: There's a kid at school whose eyebrows make a point over the middle of his nose.
me: That's called a unibrow. U-N-I-B-R-O-W. 'uni' means one.
Pickles: OK, so anyway, this kid with the eyebrows called me a wiener dog.
me: Oh yeah? What did you say?
Pickles: I thought it was funny and I also think wiener dogs are cute.
me: Did you say that you thought wiener dogs are cute?
Pickles: No, I just thought it.
me: You probably shouldn't go around saying things are cute so much at school.

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This is normally where I would put a funny story about Sassafras. Lately, however, the things she's been saying have been a lot more obnoxious than funny. Oh well, I guess she doesn't get to be famous this week.

Conversations with Pickles

Pickles: I think I'd like a Marine Iguana for a pet. (As I mentioned in previous posts, the subject of what-I-want-for-a-pet is a popular discussion around here)
Bud: I want a ta-NAN-tula.
Pickles: It's ta-RAN-tula, Bud, geesh!
me: Bud, when you're 8. Pickles, Marine Iguanas need the sea. That's why they're marine iguanas.
Pickles: I guess a regular iguana is OK.
me: we'll talk later.

*******************************

Pickles: Can a killer whale eat Dad?
me: I suppose, if Dad were in the water and the killer whale was hungry.
Pickles: Well, I hope that doesn't happen.
me: Yeah, me too.

*******************************

Pickles: When we go back to GA, can we live next door to GrandMomma?
me: No.
Pickles: Oh, well, can we live down the street from her?

*******************************

Pickles: There's this kid, um... There's this kid at school, um... This kid at school... He, um... He said, um... This kid at school said, um... Hey Mom?
me: What?
Pickles: What was I saying?
me: That you love me
Pickles: Oh yeah!

*******************************

Pickles: Mom, today at recess Mrs. Smith was giving everyone balls. When I asked for one, she said NO! I went off by myself and cried a little.
me (trying not to call this lady an ass for making my sweet Pickles cry): Oh no! I'm sorry honey.
Pickles: And then she came and said, Thanks for telling me that Ricky was biting people. Mom, that doesn't even make sense! I didn't say that. She ruined recess.
me: Well, maybe she's dumb. Grownups can be dumb too. (possibly not the best response, but much tamer than what I was thinking) Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she had a giant bug bite on her behind and it was itching and making her crazy. Having an itchy butt can make you pretty crazy.
Pickles: Really?
me: Definitely. Whenever some teacher is being crazy for no reason, just assume she has an itchy butt.
Pickles: Ok, thanks.
me: Anytime buddy, anytime.

Conversations with Pickles

Pickles: Are leopards mean?
(He asks this question regularly in various forms - Are worms/spiders/wolves/aliens/Bigfoots mean?)
me: Pickles, leopards are animals! Sure, they eat other things to stay alive, but they don't trip other leopards and then laugh! Animals aren't mean.
Pickles: MOM! You know what I mean!
me: Uh, actually Pickles, I don't. But that's what makes you special.
_______________________________________________
Pickles: What are we having for dinner?
me: Noodles with sausage, peppers, onions, and mushrooms.
Pickles: That's disgusting Mom! Onions!?! Hey Bud, look at what was in my nose!
_______________________________________________
Pickles: When I grow up, I don't want to have any tattoos.
me: Well you don't have to. You never have to do anything you don't want to do. There are consequences for every action, good and bad. And-
Pickles (interrupting): Cause it would hurt. And I don't want to get my ears pierced either. You know, like Dad.
_______________________________________________
Pickles: You know what I hear sometimes when you talk Mom?
me: tell me my little cheeseburger...
Pickles: blah, blah, blah, blah. I TRY to listen, but sometimes you're boring!
me: Pickles, don't be rude. When I talk to you, it's important that you listen.
Pickles: huh?
________________________________________________
Pickles: I want a gecko for a pet.
me: You have to keep your room clean. That will show me that you're responsible enough for a pet.
Pickles: A gecko won't care if my room is clean.
me: That's not the point.
Pickles: Ok then, how about a turtle?
me: No.
Pickles: Then how about a red eared slider?
me: That's a kind of turtle
Pickles: How did you know that?
________________________________________________
Pickles: Mom, you said there was no such thing as a Super Croc
(Prehistoric reptiles are another favorite topic around here)
me: That's not what I said. I said it's not called a super croc technically. It has a scientific name.
Pickles: Oh, I know. It's a Sarcosuchus imperator. They found it in the desert and it was more than two of our trucks long. It weighed about 8 tons.
(Pickles likes facts)
me: That's very interesting Pickles. You're so smart!
Pickles: I know. I thought for awhile that I was smarter than you since you said there was no Super Croc.
________________________________________________
Pickles: Sometimes I wish I was a cartoon character.

When it's too cold to do anything else, my kids argue. I think it must be their favorite pasttime. After the Wii of course, but since they're restricted for the day (what was I thinking?), they're playing dress-up instead.

Bud: No, Hamster. You can't wear that ninja turtle costume.
Hamster: I' NOT Yous!
Bud: Yeah it is!
Me: No Bud, when you put it in the garbage and I fished it out and washed it, you gave up all rights to it.
Bud: I don't know what you just said but that costume is mine.
Me: No it's not.
Bud: Then I'm going to make a club and Hamster can't be in it.
Pickles: You can't have a club with just one person.
Me: Sure you can.
Bud: Hey Jake (friend)! Wanna be in my club? I have lots of food in my club!
Jake: yeah!
Bud: Ok, but we have to go find lots of food first.