So...

I'm nervous about taking more hours of school this summer. I'm already feeling melancholy for all the hours I won't get to play with my kids this summer. I will be sitting in a classroom, while they are playing outside with a nanny. Hopefully it won't screw them up too bad. If it does though, I'll be a doctor, so I'll be able to afford a really good psychologist for them.

I've decided to put up a flier at a local university in the education department to see if I can get an ed. major to be the nanny.

Here's the flier. I haven't put it up yet. I wanted to ask what y'all thought and get some feedback.

Wanted – Nanny

If you can keep 4, um, high-spirited children safe and happy…Ok, it’s not that they’re naughty, really. They just have a very creative perspective on authority. And they don’t literally climb the walls…usually. Oh, and there are two dogs. Well puppies really. Only one is a BIG puppy. And one is very small.

OK. So here’s the deal. My husband and I are both students. That means we never see each other. Somehow we ended up with 4 children. They don’t have school this summer, but we do. We need a nanny to make sure our kids don’t hurt anyone. If you think you can keep the police from being called to our house, and if you can keep the kids from eating only contraband chocolate, and if you can play MarioKart for hours on end, then you’re the one we want.

What: Nanny-ing

When: 7/14-8/21, from 7:30a.m.-1p.m. Mon-Thurs
and 7:30-10:30a.m. Fridays

Where: Our house

Why: for $150/wk

Who: Michelle ***-***-****

Fine Print: Must have references. Would prefer an Education Major with CPR training. Will begin interviews after Memorial Day. Apply at your own risk.

Did I leave anything out? Did I say anything I shouldn't have? Is it weird? Thanks (in advance) for the feedback. Y'all are awesome. Even y'all who don't comment. And just...you know...lurk.

Just a heads-up

There are two "confirmed" cases of swine flu in IA.

I actually am kind of concerned about things like this. It does worry me that a virus could disrupt normal life so much. possibly anyway.

What would I do if there were cases round these parts? Would I keep the kids home from school? Would I stay home from school? James' and my schooling is awfully expensive to just take a week or three off.

We have enough food to last several months. Enough fuel to cook it. Not enough water.

Enough sanity? I don't have enough sanity now...

So I will wait until the govt tells me what to do.

Yeah right!

I will make my kids' health a priority. If I feels like it gets to the point where the flu is a dangerous threat, I will do what I need to do to protect them. I'd rather deal with bureaucratic issues after the fact, than spend several weeks camped out next to a hospital bed with my sick kid. Or worse...

So stay safe everybody.

No licking doorknobs, shopping cart handles, or toilet seats.
No kissing pigs.
No eating garbage.
No rubbing used tissues in your eyes.
No wiping your nose with others' toothbrushes.

got it?

good.

You'll have fun whether you like it or not!

Just a word to the people in WhereIlive town. Don't take classes through the Parks and Rec dept. It used to be great. They had a wonderful director who worked with you on fees, kept you updated about goings-on, and just is a great person in general.

That changed last summer. They brought in somebody new. I don't think they gave the old director much notice about. I've asked her, and although she's very diplomatic about it, I can hear a touch of bitterness in her voice.

I had Bud signed up for a kindergarten readiness camp just before school started last year. They changed the date. I had some miscommunication with the manager, who was also new, about the change. When I showed up with a very excited Bud, I was told we missed the class by a week. Sad is having to tell your little boy that he can't go to class.

Well, what about a refund? Nope, sorry. So I told them I thought that was really sucky of them to steal refuse to refund the $80 fee for a class little Bud didn't even take.

Let Manager Lady talk to her manager...Ok, we can give you back half.

Next session...

Surely, when I signed Sass, Bud, and Pickles up for dance and acting things would be better. They were not. Bud literally grabbed the doorframe and screamed at a register almost beyond human hearing to keep from being taken to his class. He's 5. They do that sometimes.

Did I get a refund? No. I asked about it past the 2 week deadline for asking. My bad. I guess I'll go sell plasma, or a kidney, to make up the difference.

I gave them one last chance. I signed James and Rowlf up for dog obedience class. James just won't heel or sit when I tell him to, and it's getting on my nerves. Sass and Pickles were signed up for acting. Can I have a scholarship form please? Have I ever been told they have scholarships in the 2.5 yrs we've been taking classes? HA! I had to find it hidden on their website.

I filled out the form.

I get a call back. What classes would I like assistance for? Did you read the form, Manager lady?

We are students. James is legally blind. We do without so the kids can have enrichment activities. we are below the lowest on income levels for a family our size.How about any and all classes you can give me assistance on. Thanks.

Oh, well, since you've already paid, that will have to be applied to the next time you sign up.

Seriously?

There won't be a next time if you can't apply it to this time.

Let me talk to the slick new sphincter muscle director, and we'll call you back.

So anyway, if you're still reading this...

Find classes through other departments. The museums here offer great programs. There are countless private organizations that offer good classes too. There are also many many free things going on all year long at the libraries and parks.

Stay away from the Parks and Rec Dept. Unless you like being treated like an idiot, giving them money you don't have for something they don't give you, or you just generally like being taken advantage of.

Things you should know about real winter before you move to the Midwest:

1. Your nostrils will freeze if the high temp for the day stays sub zero.
2. Sometimes 2 or more pairs of gloves are necessary.
3. Sometimes 2 or more pairs of PANTS are necessary.
4. Sometimes it's warmer in the basement than the rest of the house.
5. If you're making a cake, and it needs to be cool to be iced 1.5 hrs. before a boyscout meeting, you can flash-cool it outside in 15 minutes or less.
6. Less gas, less brakes.
7. You're always told not to eat yellow snow. Don't eat blue de-iced snow either.
8. Don't touch de-icer with your very cold bare hands. It WILL give you a chemical burn that makes you cry and say bad words for at least 10 minutes.
9. I've already told you that you can put cardboard on your windshield if snow is predicted. Cardboard is also good for putting between your grill and your radiator. The grill in your car, not your personal grill.
10. Don't move here. There are warmer places. Live there instead.

Relevant tip for the day:
When warming up pinkiess to feed the snakes, make sure you don't accidentally cook them.
Snakes like them raw.

Dear Anonymous Lady at the Dermatology office,
I have a hard enough time relaxing while waiting for another human to remove part of my body (a mole, but still...) without having to listen to you, repeatedly and loudly, describe how your wound was blistering and weeping under your bandage to whoever was unfortunate enough to be on the other end of your cell phone. GROSS! The MAN also seems to have this problem. He doesn't realize how loudly he talks when he's on his cell phone. Sometimes I let my phone go dead on purpose. I also love caller ID. You know how sometimes you wonder why I don't answer my phone when you call? It's because I don't feel like talking to you. Nothing (too) personal, I'm just kind of an introvert and I'm also pretty busy most of the time. I'll call you back soon, I promise. Another thing about that dermatologist's office - easy listening music is ALWAYS better than whatever local station plays modern country! It's really hard to focus on anything besides scalpels in your skin when your listening to crappy music. I'm sure not everyone even notices the music playing in dr's offices, restaurants, stores, etc., but I do. I always notice what songs are playing. And bad country sucks. So anyway, the MAN and I have differing opinions on cell phone etiquette. I don't ever answer my phone when I'm with a real person, unless it's the babysitter and the MAN and I are out on a date. What I'm saying is, it has to be pretty durn important for me to interrupt the real live person I'm spending time with, to answer the phone. The MAN answers every time. EVERY time. Why? Why? I think it's rude. What do you think? How do you feel about annoying cell phone technology?

quick funny kid story:
Thing 3 moaned the other day in the car...
"When am I going to lose a tooth? I keep not brushing my teeth and I still have them all?! I want the tootth fairy to visit me!!!"