James and I had a hankering for hot wings Sunday night. I'm growing several different kinds of hot peppers in our "garden", so out I went to pick a few. I've been told that the meaner you are, the hotter your peppers are, and I wasn't really that nice this summer, so it must be true. I ended up using habaneros, jalapenos, chilies, hot wax peppers, and several insanely hot tiny peppers that I grew from seed and can't remember what kind they were. I have NEVER in my LIFE had wings this hot! I will NEVER eat wings this hot again! I could only handle 3. But I'm pretty proud of that because James only ate 3 also, and he drinks hot sauce for fun. I rubbed my eye this morning and it still burned from the oils on my fingers. I can't wash this HOT off. I have prolly washed my hands 50 times since Sun. night and I can't get rid of it. I still have some sauce left. I put it in a glass jar because I was afraid it would eat through anything else. So, if anyone would like to try it, let me know, otherwise I'll be calling Hazmat later to take it out to the middle of the desert to dispose of it...

Shameless Pandering

Its popcorn season for Boy Scouts. Sort of like Girl Scout cookies, but instead of cookies, it's those delicious tinsboxes of popcorn/trail mix. You can order from the comfort of your own home, you don't even have to wear pants! Sadly, you have to wear pants when we deliver it, but be free while you order. Just email me, call me, send a carrier pigeon, whatever, it'll get to you! There's plenty of cheesy goodness and caramel deliciosity to go around. And you'll be helping out your (sort of) local friendly neighborhood scouts. Pickles is excited about doing this, so if you need one of those tins to sit around and be munched this holiday season, Pickles is your hook-up!


you can go look at what there is at
http://www.orderpopcorn.com/Store/Catalog/Default.aspx
and the key code is TEPPQZJ
but call or email me with what you want, otherwise Pickles doesn't get credit

Thank you, thank you!

Breaking news!!!!!
The hamster (lowercase) has been found alive! At approximately 12PM CST, the whereabouts of the missing hamster were confirmed. No foul play was involved, although the po-po had a few leads on a suspect. He was still in his ball hidden behind some boxes. Because hamsters can't talk, we may never know the circumstances of this brave little guy's harrowing ordeal. He is now safely back in his cage, eating seeds and drinking some much deserved water. Thank you to all in the community who expressed concern during Sassafras's time of sadness. You can make donations, in Sassafras's name, directly to her mother, who will most defenitely put those donations to a good use.

So, anyone up for a pedicure?

Speaking of watermelon...what? We weren't speaking of watermelon? Well, we are now. Did you know that in the South, watermelon and fried chicken constitute an entire meal. Maybe a side item like baked beans, green beans, or corn bread could be added, but that's entirely optional. I was thinking about this as my children ate only watermelon for dinner the other night. Then I started thinking about food storage, and how there's not really any good way to store watermelon. I did at one time put watermelon in a dehydrator just for curiousity's sake, since it's watermelon and I wanted to see how much would be left after dehydration. It actually made some pretty fabulous fruit leather. So you could do it that way, or just save seeds. But what if you're Southern and disaster strikes? I think you would probably agree that there are a few items that are essential to southern food storage. Grits, for example. I don't think people from other regions really need a 50-gallon drum of grits. Or red Koolaid. Which is the perfect accent to a meal of watermelon and chicken. The red #40 highlights of the drink perfectly compliment the nutty notes of the crispy skin on the chicken. It's really a culinary delight, nay, a culinary circus, for the palette. Oh sorry, I think I disembarked from my train of thought there for a minute.

In other news, the hamster (lowercase, actual hamster) is still MIA. I prefer to think that he's moved on to bigger and better things. Or joined a band of muppets on their way to NYC to break into the big time. I'd like to think he's figured out how to open his little plastic ball to stop at truck stops along the way for a bite to eat. Then he pops back in during the night, maybe putting tiny flares along side to warn others. Those are the things I'd like to think, because the alternative is kind of sad.
'

This is how we eat watermelon round heah

I had to stop them from eating the rind

BTW, if anyone has seen a baby dwarf hamster rolling down the road (or anywhere else)in a small clear plastic ball, Sassafras has misplaced her new birthday pet...

So I take the kids (almost) everywhere I go. To the grocery store, to the others' practices, to the bathroom... Anyway, I took the 2 older Things to soccer practice and luckily it's at their elem. school because then the little ones can play on the playground. And they are very happy to play after hours, because then they can do things the meanie teachers won't let them do during recess, like run UP the slide. Dirty ol' meanies. So the boys are playing and I overhear some little (approx. 6-10 yrs old) girls playing house.
Girl 1, "Well I told you about the party yesterday. I even emailed you about it!"
and a little while later,
Girl2, "You be the dad and you say I'm just going to sleep down here, but then you really just turn the music up real loud and party while everyone sleeps."

I don't know about you, but I can hear my kids whisper "shut up, butt face" at 20 yards. I know it wasn't that bad a pretend conversation, but something made me worry a little for those kids.

My little angel, the same angel who last night got one spanking for each hole he put in the wall while he was supposed to be going to sleep, was playing with a friend so new he didn't know his name yet. I overheard "if you want to be a bee, you just have to use your imagination."

I've been trying to come up with good handles for the Things, since I didn't make my blog restricted from people and my conspiracy radar goes up when I think about my kids names being online. The little one will be known as Hamster. Thing 3 will henceforth be known as Bud. Thing 2 is now dubbed Pickles. There is no significance to that nickname, it just makes me laugh. Certain words are funny to me, including corn, monkeys, cheese and pickles. Go figure. And the one who made me a mom is Sassafras. Write that down. It's very important.

Moving on...
my mom left to go back to ATL. I missed her before we dropped her off at the airport. I love that she cares so much to come visit. I love that she loves my kids as much as I do. I really believe that she does. I love that I can make her laugh. I love that she makes me laugh. I love that she will clean my kitchen without making snide comments about how messy it is. Sarcastic comments, yes, but not snide. She's snarky like that.

I will see her in Oct when I fly down to visit my grandfather. His health is declining and I hate to think it may be the last time I see him, but it truly may be. Sad, sad. What an amazing man though. WWII vet. Very successful businessman. Someone with a true photographic memory. There is no way to even sum this man up in a silly blog post, but his personality influenced mine a lot. If you love me, you'd love Granddad. So as it starts to get really cold here, I'll be an hour from Orlando, FL. Sorry for ya.

Gotta go finish beating, whoops! I mean bathing kids.

How to Make Eggs Like a 5-Year Old

1. Make sure Grandmama is on the porch watching a sibling, and Mom is dozing on the couch.
2. Get 5 eggs out of the fridge.
3. Drop 2 on the floor and put the other 3 in a plastic bowl.
4. Throw a couple paper towels on top of the eggs on the floor.
5. Mix the eggs in the bowl, being sure to slosh egg on the table.
6. Put the eggs in the microwave.
7. Push 6517 and start on the microwave and go back in to watch T.V.
8. Wonder why, after about 10 minutes, grownups start running to the kitchen hollering.
9. Wonder what smells like burnt behind.
10. Enjoy!

See the Amazing Michelle jump through flaming hoops!
Could you please tell me, seeing that the MAN is blind, and in graduate school, and I, the Amazing Michelle, am about to start school again, we have a negative income (virtually), and the 3 older Things are in school...Why? WHY? wouldn't we qualify for even partial childcare for the Hamster? I by no means feel entitled to it. I mean, obviously the gubment did NOT force me to download 4 tricycle motors, it was very much my choice and in a truly capitalist environment I would be on my own, but... the programs are there and if welfare mamas can use them, then I don't really feel that guilty about trying to get some too. It's only for a couple years and then I promise I'll pay back into it till I'm dead. And with death taxes, beyond. So, do any of y'all know any rich patrons who would be willing to fund the Hamster's preschool? Otherwise, I guess I can always work nights at Target and go to school during the day. I can just sleep when I'm dead...

Welcome to the Michelle Show!
starring ME
This is a painting I've been working for over a year. Projects get like that around here. But that's also the way I work too. I have about 6 unfinished paintings because I don't always feel like working on the same one. I also have 3 unfinished quilts. Oh yeah, and 4 unfinished children. Don't worry, they'll get finished. Except for the kids, they'll never be finished. Luckily, it's not exclusively my job to finish them. (That's the village's job, right Hillary?)
I'm going to try to finish it soon so I can enter it in a show, but if I don't, oh well. You know, there's lots of words to describe me, but I don't think anyone ever uses the word driven and Michelle in the same sentence. Unless someone says "I think Michelle's kids have driven her crazy."

Ol' Long Legs... (say it with a Southern accent, it sounds better)

The dog ate severa* keys off my keyboard so if there are some *etters missing its his fau*t
*ucki*y it was just the *etter before m after k and some punctuation keys

This is a picture of the woman with the longest legs in the world. First a side note: Whenever anyone says anything like the longest, tallest, smelliest, whatever, my brain, in it's competitive glory, says Oh come on, there's GOT to be SOMEthing longer, taller, smellier, etc.
Anyway, this woman's legs are almost 52 inches long. I am almost 65 tall. The average human is about 7.5 heads tall. So I guess my head would be 8.7 inches tall. She's 76 inches but most of that is obviously legs. So that leaves 24 inches for her torso and head. I suppose my head would come up to about her breasts. The little guy underneath her (seriously, underneath her skirt?) is the shortest guy in the world (who can walk). I don't think I would have agreed to this shot. He may be tiny, but he's still a guy. I'm sorry if you were expecting something a little more profound, but everyone likes a little freakiness every once in while, so gawk away!

they didn't ask me to the photo shoot, but if they had...

Relevant tip for the day:
When warming up pinkiess to feed the snakes, make sure you don't accidentally cook them.
Snakes like them raw.

Dear Anonymous Lady at the Dermatology office,
I have a hard enough time relaxing while waiting for another human to remove part of my body (a mole, but still...) without having to listen to you, repeatedly and loudly, describe how your wound was blistering and weeping under your bandage to whoever was unfortunate enough to be on the other end of your cell phone. GROSS! The MAN also seems to have this problem. He doesn't realize how loudly he talks when he's on his cell phone. Sometimes I let my phone go dead on purpose. I also love caller ID. You know how sometimes you wonder why I don't answer my phone when you call? It's because I don't feel like talking to you. Nothing (too) personal, I'm just kind of an introvert and I'm also pretty busy most of the time. I'll call you back soon, I promise. Another thing about that dermatologist's office - easy listening music is ALWAYS better than whatever local station plays modern country! It's really hard to focus on anything besides scalpels in your skin when your listening to crappy music. I'm sure not everyone even notices the music playing in dr's offices, restaurants, stores, etc., but I do. I always notice what songs are playing. And bad country sucks. So anyway, the MAN and I have differing opinions on cell phone etiquette. I don't ever answer my phone when I'm with a real person, unless it's the babysitter and the MAN and I are out on a date. What I'm saying is, it has to be pretty durn important for me to interrupt the real live person I'm spending time with, to answer the phone. The MAN answers every time. EVERY time. Why? Why? I think it's rude. What do you think? How do you feel about annoying cell phone technology?

quick funny kid story:
Thing 3 moaned the other day in the car...
"When am I going to lose a tooth? I keep not brushing my teeth and I still have them all?! I want the tootth fairy to visit me!!!"

WE GOT OUR DOG BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone called tonight and said they had him! And they really did! And we have our dog back!

Just sharing

We went to a friend's Monday to BBQ (for all y'all Southerners - that means a cookout and we didn't really eat anything with BBQ sauce). When we got home, the kids took the puppy out to "do his numbers" and to play for awhile. All the kids came back in. The puppy didn't. The puppy saw that the gate was open to the backyard and took off. Well, when a puppy that is part boxer and cute as can be is loose, I suppose people can't help but keep him. Right? Yeah. I didn't think so. Me neither. Even though we canvassed the neighborhood and asked everyone we saw if they had seen him. I put up 14 fliers. I would have put up more but we were expecting rain so I decided to wait. I even visited the Humane Society yesterday and plan on doing so again today. I put it in about 10 different online classifieds too. I know someone in our ghetto, I mean neighborhood, has him, and is just driving/walking past our signs not giving a crap that 4 little kids are devastated. I drew little broken hearts on all of the posters. So, hopefully in the next few days we will get little Rowlf back. Because in the week and a half that we had him, we all fell in love with him. If we don't, then whoever has him and won't return him - a curse on ye! May all your hair and teeth fall out.

just damn...