Dear Christian Bale,

This is very difficult for me to write.

I'm breaking up with you.

You've been my movie boyfriend ever since I saw you in Empire of the Sun in the theater in 1987. You made my heart flutter in Swing Kids and Newsies. I swooned for you in Little Women. I loved you in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I even watched Reign of Fire although it wasn't really that good. You were my favorite Batman. Anyway, my sexy (ex)boyfriend Christian, you have just become too much of a bully. I recently heard audio of you berating a lights guy on the set of one of your movies. I had to turn it off! And then go wash my ears! This is the last straw Christian. You've been too mean for too long. I've heard rumors that you are difficult on set, but I didn't want to believe. But the writing is on the wall now. This can't go on any longer.

I can't, in good conscience, have imaginary children with you anymore. I'm afraid they'll turn into imaginary grown-ups who kick their dogs or something. You're just not a good imaginary father figure anymore.

So we must part ways, movie boyfriend. No, no! Don't cry! Or cuss! Or yell at/beat the imaginary hired help!

I'll probably still watch Terminator 4. But my heart won't flutter.

It's over,

Michelle



Oh, and if you could not tell James that I've had a crush on you for 20 years, that'd be great.