Lemme give you a twopic.
Twalk amongst ya-selves.


*Why does the busiest airport in the world have chicken bones on the floor in Baggage Claim?

*Why does my 3.5 yr-old have no interest in potty-training unless it involves bribery? Perhaps I'm being played?

*Why would a old gross smoker ask me if any of us darlin's have a cigarette when it was me and 2 of my KIDS standing there?

*Why have my children been obsessed with the fattest-man-in-the-world?

*Why have I wanted to send them a postcard "from" the fattest-man-in-the-world (asking them to bring him more food and if they don't he'll eat them) as a joke?

*Who told my kindergartner that we live in the nostril of the state we live in? (If you know what state we live in, look, we live right at the nose)

*What in the world did the dog eat, because the hork on the carpet is unidentifiable? (just so you know, I cleaned it up BEFORE I blogged)

*Why did I just break my own I-don't-post-about-vomit rule?

*Why have I decided to up my school hours from 18 to virtually 30?

*When did the kids going to high school become closer in age to my daughter than to me?

*Why are there popcorn kernels all over the living room floor, when I don't buy popcorn?

*Why am I blogging about them instead of vacuuming them up?

*Why are you still reading this post?

Buh-bye!

I realize I'm being very stingy with my posting lately. Life has been flying past at a mile a minute and I haven't had much time to sit and whip you up a delicious pot o' Michelle. I don't have much time now either. awwwww, man.

I know.

The 30th is James' and my anniversery and he has "surprised" me with a weekend away. I give you "' with the surprise, because I always find out. The man has never surprised me with anything. Poor guy. He keeps trying though. And that's what counts.

So we're off to a B&B. Mama Howerton has graciously agreed to watch our kids for us. So before she can change her mind, I'm off to pack the kids up and send them to a super fun place where they get good snacks and there's a trampoline and better games and cupcakes to ice (in their words).

Thanks, Howertons, I can't tell you how much I need this. If you keep watching the kids for us, I'm going to end up owing you a month of babysitting!

Interesting...

There is a new airline that will start offering $9 tickets. They will serve mid-sized cities where larger airlines won't fly.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/New-lowcost-airline-targets-apf-15348934.html?.v=5

So there ya go.

This past week, I...

flew to GA and back with 4 kids alone

got to hang out with some of my favorite relatives

wore a bridesmaid dress

sniffled and cried, but just a little, when my baby sister married a good man

almost lit my extremely hair sprayed hair on fire standing too close to the candles

watched my kids shake their booties on the dance floor - they are GOOD

ate leftover wedding cake 3 days in a row

took the kids to the Renaissance Festival

bought the kids tails and gargoyles (what kid doesn't want a tail and a gargoyle?)

got a two hour massage from my other sister, and it was awesome

....

and now I desperately miss my family and GA and all the friends I didn't have time to visit and, oh!

so I'm going to go be homesick now, and study for the exams I missed that I have to make up tomorrow.

I'll post more good stuff soon, promise...

Hamster and Rowlf
A boy and a dog (and a half)
*the paper airplane was made by the little boy, the chewed egg carton all over the floor was hopefully done by the dog*

Updates

Still waiting on news on the house. Apparently trying to buy a house in quasi-foreclosure takes longer than a...
than a...
longer than something that takes a really long time, that's what.

Sassafras's attitude has greatly improved this past week. Incidentally, the Wii wouldn't turn on all last week. Do I know anything about why the Wii wouldn't turn on? If I do, I'm not telling...

Pickles has told me everyday for the past week that after my sister's wedding next Friday, that he wants his hair cut into a mohawk. This will be his 3rd or 4th mohawk. He usually gets one at the beginning of the summer. After Memorial Day, you can wear white shoes again, people up north open their pools, and Pickles gets a mohawk. It's how we mark the seasons up hee-yah.

Bud has had a melt-down everyday this week. So Sass calms down with no Wii, and Bud needs it to calm down. That sounds like a really boring topic for a really boring research paper, no? The difference in boys and girls reaction to electronic stimuli. Or perhaps that one is better left unwritten...

Hamster has decided to expand his vocabulary. Unfortunately most of the new words are references to anatomy (he's the youngest of 4 and has 2 older brothers) and what that function of that anatomy is, but at least he's talking more.

I'm flying out Tuesday night with all 4 kids...alone...
James flies out Wednesday. He can miss less classes than I can, or that's what he tells me anyway. So say a little prayer Tuesday, that I won't go insane at the airport and be subjected to a strip search. I'll try very hard not to pretend my thumb and index finger are a gun. And I will valiantly resist making bomb jokes. But I can't promise I won't ask my children where their mother is if they misbehave.

That's all ya get tonight. I have to finish several assignments that are due while we're gone, that I have to turn in before we leave. And finals are coming up soon too. And I start a chemistry class before finals are outdone at one of the schools I'm attending.

aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh...................................

Twinkle Toes McTwinkleson


Saturday was Sassafras's dance recital. It has been 5 months of hating dance class to get to the recital. She loves recitals. This is the kid who asked to be a sheep in a play once so her only line would be BAAAAAHHHHHHH. So I don't really understand the fascination with being on stage only for recitals.

So the recital line-up included the usual players:

1. The little girl in pre-tap/ballet who couldn't keep her pants up. By the end of the routine, she was falling over her little glittered bloomers.

2. The little one who was supposed to be some kind of animal, but couldn't see through her mask, so she held it up. And tripped anyway.

3. The litte boy wearing a leopard print top and tight pants. In Jazz 2. Sass says he also has a bright pink DS. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

And Sass. In her blue webbed top over a brown tank (was supposed to be a black tank, was given a black one, I thought the black one was on her body, saw her wearing a brown one in the recital), and her black yoga pants that I hemmed an hour before the recital, she danced with all the enthusiasism that one Sassafras can muster. Which isn't an incredible amount usually. I'm not getting down on my kid, just statin' the facts, Ma'am.

So I made her up. Dance recitals, Mardi Gras, and dates are like the only time your 9 yr.-old kid can wear make-up right? It wasn't over the top, but it was some blush and lip gloss. She was thrilled! I was worried. I saw a few years into the future, and I must say, I didn't like it.

But I'm proud of her. So I'm doing what every proud mother does and putting up a video that only her Grandmomma would really want to watch. It won't hurt my feelings if you don't want to watch it. I don't usually watch videos of your kid either.



She's all the way on the left, Mom. But I'm sure you already knew which one was your baby, right?

Weird News Wednesday

Apparently, Cheerios are a drug. I always kind of thought they were like baby crack. Just trying going to church without them. Your baby will get the shakes, she will cry, she will act like she sees things that aren't there. She will have all the symptoms of withdrawal. Of course, that's how babies act most of the time, so it will be hard to tell, but you'll know...

Cheerios won't help men who have "man flu". Women really ARE the stronger sex. You didn't need me to tell that, though, did you? Studies (don't get me started on studies and stats) have shown that men are more susceptible to illness. So when they weally don't feeh gooood, they really DON'T feel good.

And because I like Cheerioes, and they make a nice segue, and it's my blog, we'll use them again. If you have a husband, (I'm talking to you Nobody) who will make a bowl of Cheerios and put it in the fridge as unfinished leftovers, then this story may give you pause to let him do that anymore. An office worker cleaning out a fridge full of nast released a cloud that made 28 people sick. This story makes me feel better about my own unplugged fridge full of moldy food. I'm just kidding. It's not unplugged.

You know what the weirdest part is? It's still Tuesday.

Warning: A highly gritty post

This is an article about a movement. A movement where black families decide to only buy products from black-owned businesses. It's slanted as a feel-good human interest story.

It actually really pisses me off.

Lemme 'splain.

What if I decided to only buy from white people? What if I called ahead to see who picked up the phone? What if I walked into a store, and asked to who the owner was, and then decided to only shop there if the owner's name "sounded white"?

What kind of reception do you think I would get? A nice news article discussing how I'm supporting other white people?

So it's a wonderful thing for a black family to only shop at black-owned businesses to show pride in their race, huh?

Bullshit.

It's another way to divide the nation.

If you want to build this country,
If you want to support your neighbors,
If you want to put money into the economy so we can stop this recession,

Then spend money in stores based on:
The principles they espouse,
How they present their business' mission statement,
and how they offer customer service.

That being vented said, I also think everyone should have the right to shop wherever they damn well please.

So now I'm off to buy Scout supplies from a white lady, get my dress hemmed by an Asian lady, and get a new phone from a black guy...

My mom:

loves traveling. I keep trying to convince her to be a travel scout.

loves musicals. She doesn't have to have music playing all the time like I do, but one of the best gifts for her is tickets to anything at the Fox in Atlanta.

loves her bling. If it's precious or semi-precious and set in gold, she's all over it.

loves her family. She will hop on a plane, as long as she has 2 hours notice to get through security, and go anywhere for anyone who needs her. And she has - often.

is very intelligent. Not only does she remember useless various trivia, she can figure out a tip before the bill flutters to the table. She's our go-to person for topics ranging from insurance, to fashion, to international relations, to etiquette.

hates the cold. She moved from PA to GA almost 40 years ago (am I in trouble for that?) and has never looked back. She refuses to visit us here in the Midwest before March, or after October. Unless we needed her, and then she's be here in about 4 hours.

I'll probably get in trouble for this one too, but, my mom has a dirty mind/mouth. She doesn't share it very often, and her filter between her brain and her mouth works much better than mine, but it's there. And it's quick.

is an amazing Grandmomma.

and many other things that will probably be blogged about at one point or another.

I love my mom. She's awesome. We share a sixth sense when it comes to phone calls. We are almost always holding the phone to call each other when the phone rings.

I know this post is kind of all over the place. I've been writing it for over an hour, because I've also been busy with being a mom to my kids.

So, as much as I'd like this post to be awe-inspiring and eloquent, just know that the sentiment is there, Mom, even if the intellect isn't.

Conversations, and I use the word extremely loosely, heard in the truck today within a 20-minute span.

Sassafras: You know, when you put energy and pickles together, it really stinks!
(for the record, she was not talking about her brother Pickles, although that would probably stink too)
me: wow, what does it smell like?
Sass: (said like REALLY I should already know what it smells like) like rotten pickles!

Pickles: This watermelon is really a secret super hero with light sabers.

Bud: Attention! Attention! add about 15 more attentions to get the full effect...
me: WHAT?
Bud: I just wanted some attention.

Pickles: I love to act, but dancing on stage would make me feel very anxious.

Sassafras: If I could pick this family over, I don't think I'd want so many boys in it.

All the while, Hamster is da-na-na-ing the theme to Star Wars at the top of his voice.



as I sat typing this, Hamster wandered in with dog slobber on his head.
gotta go...

So...

I'm nervous about taking more hours of school this summer. I'm already feeling melancholy for all the hours I won't get to play with my kids this summer. I will be sitting in a classroom, while they are playing outside with a nanny. Hopefully it won't screw them up too bad. If it does though, I'll be a doctor, so I'll be able to afford a really good psychologist for them.

I've decided to put up a flier at a local university in the education department to see if I can get an ed. major to be the nanny.

Here's the flier. I haven't put it up yet. I wanted to ask what y'all thought and get some feedback.

Wanted – Nanny

If you can keep 4, um, high-spirited children safe and happy…Ok, it’s not that they’re naughty, really. They just have a very creative perspective on authority. And they don’t literally climb the walls…usually. Oh, and there are two dogs. Well puppies really. Only one is a BIG puppy. And one is very small.

OK. So here’s the deal. My husband and I are both students. That means we never see each other. Somehow we ended up with 4 children. They don’t have school this summer, but we do. We need a nanny to make sure our kids don’t hurt anyone. If you think you can keep the police from being called to our house, and if you can keep the kids from eating only contraband chocolate, and if you can play MarioKart for hours on end, then you’re the one we want.

What: Nanny-ing

When: 7/14-8/21, from 7:30a.m.-1p.m. Mon-Thurs
and 7:30-10:30a.m. Fridays

Where: Our house

Why: for $150/wk

Who: Michelle ***-***-****

Fine Print: Must have references. Would prefer an Education Major with CPR training. Will begin interviews after Memorial Day. Apply at your own risk.

Did I leave anything out? Did I say anything I shouldn't have? Is it weird? Thanks (in advance) for the feedback. Y'all are awesome. Even y'all who don't comment. And just...you know...lurk.

Weird News Wednesday

This one is actually more of a Disturbing News Wednesday article. Unless you like sculptures made of human hair. Which I don't, just so you know.

What's up?

I haven't been around much. I've been rather busy.

I decided to go for the doctorate degree here at school, rather than just the technologist program. All y'all in GA don't need to worry though, because I will transfer to the school in ATL when James is done in about 2 yrs. I can start the program in November, after I finish 12 hrs of chemistry and 6 hrs of physics over the summer, along with 12 hrs of junior/senior level classes. Before you add them all up, I'll just tell you that will 30 credit hrs of classes in 5 months. That's actually less than James takes each trimester (4 mo.) here. I'm only taking 18 hrs right now, so that will add a bit more.

So, if this post is boring, it's just because my sense of humor is being slowly sucked from my brain as things like the entire lymph system is being shoved in. There's simply no room for funny in Anatomy and Physiology 2. Actually there is, but the professors prefer it if you don't make jokes about the cadavers in lab. Making references to forks and beef jerky are frowned upon when you're tracing the circulatory system in a dead body.

I also was out of town this past weekend. I went to Baltimore to a jewelry show with 3 of my moms (it's a southern thang), and 3 of my sisters. What? Michelle, I thought you only had 2 sisters? I do, one of those sisters is a soul sista. Here's something you may not realize about the South. Eventually everyone you know is related to you. By blood, or by 'adoption'. Your sisters-in-law become your sisters (unless you hate them, in that case, they remain your husband's sisters or your brother's wife), your nephews become your boys, or your close friends become your sisters/brothers, etc.

My kids have a Grandpa. He's actually my husband's sister's husband's father. Follow that? They also have Bubba (James' dad) and my dad (GrandDaddy), as well as various other dads who would claim me and James, and our kids as their grandkids.

I wonder if anyone has ever written a book trying to detail southern social customs... It would long I bet. And boring probably. Ok, never mind. How about you just keep reading this blog, and eventually I'll learn y'all a little sumpin sumpin.

See? I can't even keep a post running smoothly! I bet you were hoping to hear more about school, or the kids, or my trip to the East Coast to eat crabcakes, buy jewelry, see the ocean, and stay out till 2 in the morning wandering around, or something. Oh well!

a weekend haiku

Jewelry galore
Ate crabcakes, met a pimp, and
Miss y'all already